“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
he looks great for his age
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.