*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”