[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
necessity is the mother of invention
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.