Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.