Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
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Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.