@3sunzzz: WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
@ericsshadow: HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
@doktorj: Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
@ImaFlyontheWall: Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
@MarcusOreally: Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.
Unless you're on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.
@DaddyJew: Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT
Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor