WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.