What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
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My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police