When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
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To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Wait a minute
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]