What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.