What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
i baked you a cake
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Acronyms got me like WTF?
this is the best day of my life
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.