Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Awwwww shit.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.