Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Jurassic park gets weird
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I wish I could veto my bills.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.