What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.