@TravLeBlanc: What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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@PajamaBen_: *cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you
@_ParkerH: Moms during December: Me: “Mom I need more toothpaste” Mom: “Okay but it’s going to be part of your Christmas presents”
@Donnie_Fairburn: "Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!" - The first horse ever ridden (probably)
@Carbosly: No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account. I'm good.