what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Encore…
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My love language is deader than Latin
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.