what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Hey i am sexy to you now
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you