High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
A short story of betrayal:
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I have many caverns
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!