Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
a lot to unpack here
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me