“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
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all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*