“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
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thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
A classic…
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”