what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭