“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
screw you
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.