“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot