@mzeld: What's your body type? Mine is "giant gummy bear."
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@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail. [jurors gasp] [Lawyer throws up]
@bridger_w: When I'm worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
@DurtMcHurtt: People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.