Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.