What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]