“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
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ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??