“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?