@NoChillPosts:

@BobTheSuit: Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength. Her: You're an idiot.

@jonnysun: [god creatig god] GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent ANGEL: ok… GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists ANGEL: ru sure GOD: trust me

@topaz_kell: When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work? ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE'D BE MATH