“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
You Might Also Like
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”