“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…