My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
You Might Also Like
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Wait a minute
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits