“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
You Might Also Like
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
This meeting could have been a cake
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫