what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Is this you?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.