what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
my first day as a raccoon
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”