What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
S O O N
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
#parenting
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.