What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage