What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.