[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
You Might Also Like
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
As the Lord intended
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.