[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.