Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
a public service announcement
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I might carry a baby with one hand.