When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
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The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
True statement👍😏😁
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.