When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.