When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.