@Skullcat: When a big account that doesn't follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
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@DirtMcTurd: [friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!
@LMGinTN: This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it's contagious.
@primawesome: Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
@JohnLyonTweets: Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.