@Skullcat: When a big account that doesn't follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
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@TheTweetOfGod: The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
@FuckabillyRex: I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
@huntigula: fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say "I haven't decided yet" while sobbing uncontrollably
@DothTheDoth: The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.