Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly