5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..