When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
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[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Guy who likes music
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Very good news from my accountant
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from