@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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@yayraptor: [dad training] TRAINER: im hungry ME: ok lets ea- TRAINER: [stares] ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad
@Cheeseboy22: The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
@VerifiedDrunk: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you're gay....