@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@daemonic3: WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God
@brendohare: I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. "Did you notice I'm wearing a suit?" "Yes"
@NotthatAdamWest: "Bless your heart" is southern for "I'm pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child."