@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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@nursemella: I told you to pick up a slow cooker... All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
@AaronFullerton: To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats: A) Why? B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
@Leslie_Annie: My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add "well, at least I've managed to go 10 years without drinking"