When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
You Might Also Like
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.馃檮
My brother-in-law: what鈥檚 your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We鈥檒l just take it bidet by bidet.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[texting]
her: 馃崋+馃崙
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I鈥檓 never sure what to do with my hands when I鈥檓 eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I鈥檓 learning to play the drums
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now