If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I put the h in mysterious.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?