When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
i think my razor is having a panic attack
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift