When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
never deleting this app.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer