@robdelaney: When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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@veryann0yed: Reasons to hit the gym that aren’t patriarchal beauty standards: - outrun the cops - outlive ur enemies - more stamina for sex - actually sleep at night - get strong to fight racists - listen to music without ppl interrupting
@daemonic3: "Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly" *gestures to 237 IKEA boxes* "Let's begin! Who's got the Allen wrench?"
@IamTMoS: I asked mom once how she knew dad was "the one". "because," she replied, "DNA tests don't lie."