@TheAlexNevil: When a child gets a bad cold that’s when parents feel completely powerless. You just know that little Petri dish is gonna get you sick too.
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@markydoodoo: The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.
@BlindChow: INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: ʸᵉˢ INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@joeljeffrey: My dad shouted "shut up idiots" to the cats. I told him "You're speaking English to a cat. You're the idiot. You have to meow at them."
@lamefactory: 911, what's your emergency? What do you mean you've been stabbed? People can't do that, that's illegal.
@BlindChow: [last supper] Judas: Here, I brought this Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand Judas: *winks at camera*
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